Blended Confessionals Volume 3: Alone Time

Today’s topic is on dealing with the very sudden and significant changes that happen in how I spend my time when we are home vs. when we are traveling.

This “issue” is one I have been encountering since we first started traveling (and even on previous, shorter trips we have taken together). I know that at times I am feeling an underlying level of unease and a tinge of anxiety, but I couldn’t always put my finger on what was causing it. It was only when we were in Brasil, when the level got quite extreme that I figured out the root reason, and bam, when I did it seemed so simple!

What I’m talking about is how traveling dramatically reduces the amount of alone time I get in a day, and how that is a huge adjustment for me. Those who know me or have meet me in person will be surprised to know that **shocker** I am not a true extrovert. I know, stop the presses – this chatty, laughing, getting-the-group-going lady is not an extrovert. (btw, I know it can be spelled extrOvert and extrAvert, but I’m going to go with extrOvert here because it doesn’t make my spellcheck mad). I am actually someone that straddles the line between extrovert and introvert, and need times in my days and weeks when I’m feeding both sides to feel calm, fulfilled in happy.

I know others have doubts about this, but I have found the Myers-Briggs personality test to be quite accurate in describing certain aspects of my personality. On the first “psychological preference” I am right on the borderline between E (extroversion) and I (introversion). What I really like is how these two are described in the Myers-Briggs system; a couple excerpts from the website:

EXTROVERSION (E)
I like getting my energy from active involvement in events and having a lot of different activities. I’m excited when I’m around people and I like to energize other people. I like moving into action and making things happen. I generally feel at home in the world. I often understand a problem better when I can talk out loud about it and hear what others have to say.

     The following statements generally apply to me:

• I am seen as “outgoing” or as a “people person.”
• I feel comfortable in groups and like working in them.
• I have a wide range of friends and know lots of people.
• I sometimes jump too quickly into an activity and don’t allow enough time to think it over.
• Before I start a project, I sometimes forget to stop and get clear on what I want to do and why.

INTROVERSION (I)
I like getting my energy from dealing with the ideas, pictures, memories, and reactions that are inside my head, in my inner world. I often prefer doing things alone or with one or two people I feel comfortable with. I take time to reflect so that I have a clear idea of what I’ll be doing when I decide to act. Ideas are almost solid things for me. Sometimes I like the idea of something better than the real thing.

     The following statements generally apply to me:

• I am seen as “reflective” or “reserved.”
• I feel comfortable being alone and like things I can do on my own.
• I prefer to know just a few people well.
• I sometimes spend too much time reflecting and don’t move into action quickly enough.
• I sometimes forget to check with the outside world to see if my ideas really fit the experience.

The ones in bold are the ones that I identify with most. So what does that mean? It means that in my daily life I crave a balance of the two – If a few days go by and I haven’t had enough interaction with others or enough high-energy moments full of laughter and “raucousness”, I get antsy. But I also get antsy if a few days go by and I  haven’t had a chunk of time to myself, alone and in the quiet or some quality one-on-one time with one or more of my nearest or dearest. By the way, I don’t think this is unique to me, I think a lot of people I know feel they straddle this line, especially those who went to MIT, and especially as we all grow older.

So, knowing the importance of this to my energy levels and my happiness, I tracked and charted out what my 24-hour day looks like when I am at home in NYC and since we have been in Brasil. The results?

I know, whoa, right? It’s surprising I haven’t had a meltdown yet! 😉 So let’s go a little deeper into this.

Time spent sleeping

I. love. sleep. No like really I looooove sleep. I need sleep. I am sleep. I am one of those people who needs 8 hours of sleep a night, at minimum, but prefer 9 hours a night if I can get it. I quit my “regular” full-time job about a year ago and because of that have had the privilege of having a flexible freelance work schedule at home. I allow my body to follow its natural rhythms and generally go to bed about 1-2am and wake up around 10-11am. It’s interesting, even if I get the same 8-9 hours of sleep, but go to bed earlier and have to wake up at 7am or 8am, I feel unrested and tired the rest of the day. So, since I have the luxury, I try to be good to myself and sleep when my body needs it, for how long it needs it, whenever I can.

So what do we do when we travel? This pretty much stays the same! Damian’s body is still closer to being on a typical work / investment banker schedule, so he gets tired and is asleep by 12pm and wakes up by 8am. He needs less sleep than I do (he claims 6 hours, pssht), but I personally think that even that extra couple of hours he’s been getting while we travel have been healthier for him! We’re generally pretty good with allowing each other to have our own sleep schedules – I read after Damian has gone to bed, and Damian goes for run or gets groceries or explores or reads while I am still sleeping in the morning.

Time spent with friends

This is a piece that isn’t necessarily super big on average (only about 2 hours a day), but one that is important to me. It of course can vary significantly – one day I can spend no time with friends and another I can spend 8 hours with my sister or a girlfriend or another I can go to my spinning class and get a coffee before or after with my spin instructor (who is also a friend). Then there, of course, are the random weekends/nights where a bunch of us get together and get a little crazy. This face-to-face time with my people is one of the things I miss the most when we are on the road

So what do we do when we travel? Well, thus far we haven’t been doing our best on this, but I mostly blame it on my broken phone. Up until then I was at least texting my people and able to see their Instagram and Facebook activity. But the broken phone reminded me that I need to bring my iPad with me too (for some reason, it’s just not as relaxing and fulfilling lying in bed and trying to use iMessage and Safari on my computer to keep in touch with folks during my “downtime” – laptops are not a “lying-down” technology). Also, we’ve set up a few legs of our journey going forward where we will have fam and friends joining us and I think that will help to scratch this itch!

Time spent with Damian

When we are at home, I estimated this to be around 3 hours a day. This is also widely variable based on what is happening in life – some days and weeks I don’t see Damian at all because he is traveling for work. The days he is in NYC he generally works long hours so I’ll get 1-2 hours with him at night before he goes to sleep for his early wake up the next morning. And then on weekends, we’ll probably be together (in NYC or elsewhere) for about 75% of weekends during the year, the others we are on separate work trips, visitings friends/family separately, etc. In “regular life” we definitely wish we had more time to spend together (especially unstructured, unrushed and un-tired time), which was a big impetus for this trip.

So what do we do when we travel? Nothing really! In what I guess is good news for our (new) marriage, spending more time with Damian has been really great. It’s nice to be able to just hang out together without the decisions of “I really want to hang out more but if I don’t go to bed now I will get less than 5 hours of sleep” looming over our heads. We love spending time together, and are lucky to have a relationship where we can be quiet and chill and not saying much even though we are physically together, and also be loud and interacting and goofy and totally integrated into each other, and be happy and fulfilled in both. Don’t get me wrong, we have plenty of disconnects, but for me, those don’t stem for us spending more time together.

Time spent alone

Ok, here it is, the big kahuna! I love my time alone. Like love my time alone. I know there are people who get bored of being in their apartment solo for hours on end, but nope, I love it and could do it for days (fine, weeks) with no issues. Because I work freelance and most of my work is remote, even when I work I am doing it “alone”. I cherish the freedom and quiet of making my own decisions and simply just being by myself. It is nothing negative or against family or friends or Damian, it’s more about how the Myers-Briggs describes it – I get my energy from my solo time and from being inside my head.

You can clearly see that this is the chunk of time that is taking the biggest hit in our travels. My alone time has been reduced drastically, and even the few hours I get had to be put into quotes, because I’m alone in that Damian is sleeping and I am reading, but physically I am not alone. This is a challenge for me. I feel like I don’t get enough mental “rest” and that can manifest itself in me being crabby and snappy, which, I mean, who wouldn’t want a travel companion like that?

So what do we do when we travel? As mentioned, this has been especially challenging in Brasil, where it’s hard (read: impossible) for me to even create my own alone time by going on my own walk, heading to a coffeeshop to read, etc. etc. To be honest, in Brasil, we are doing whatever we can to make this the best possible for me (and us). I don’t think it would be sustainable if we were going to be here for six months, but for another three weeks it’s definitely doable. The crux here is that to get truly recharged I need to physically alone. A coffeeshop or something will do, but for prime rec-charging I need to be around no one I know.

To help with that, Damian will sometimes go out on his own, for dinner, or for a long walk or run, or something else to give me a few hours alone in the apartment we are staying in.

We also try to stay at places with multiple areas to hang out – so if there’s a bedroom and a living room we’ll each camp out separately for a bit, or if there’s a lounge I’ll go there for a bit while Damian’s in the room.

Sometimes, if I’m really struggling on not having alone time, I’ll skip activities that I know sound super fun. I did this in Bonito with the waterfall tour. I love me some waterfalls, but I love calm, rational, nice-to-be-around me even more. I also did this when we were volunteering with Project Favela, I know I needed some alone time so while Damian and the other two volunteers went to lunch and I stayed in the school painting, which gave me a couple hours of much needed quiet and solo-ness.

If there’s nothing else, I’ll stay up way later than I should reading in bed (until 4am or 5am sometimes). It messes up the whole day after but it helps to have more of that time.

(yeah, I know this picture is a little blurry but I still love it. So, whatever.)

None of this is perfect, and it’s especially imperfect in Brasil. But, I have recognized and prioritized that alone time is important to my well-being, we both know that alone time makes our relationship better and Damian is very supportive in making alone time happen. That’s all we can do for now, and it’s working well-enough. We’ll have to see how things change once we shift to Europe!