Blended Confessionals Volume 1: Aligning (and negotiating) our energy and moods during a trip

One of the reasons we decided to start this blog was to be a bit more self-reflective on how we travel together and what we can do to make traveling together even more enjoyable and fruitful for each other. Additionally, when I was researching for this trip I read a ton of other travel blogs and some of the most helpful posts were about how to manage “real life” on the road when you have embarked on long-term travel.

Since we are a couple that comes from different families and backgrounds we inevitably have varying travel styles and preferences. That idea is what inspired the name of this blog – we are blending our journeys, the journeys that we have already taken, the journey we are currently on and the journeys we have yet to take. As we work towards blending our travel lives (and lives overall!) I’m sure we’ll hit a number of bumps along the way – which we want to document here. Hopefully this helps us think through our kinks a bit more deeply while also serving as a resource for other couples embarking on big travel adventures. So, after all that pre-amble, this is the first chapter in what we are calling Blended Confessionals!

Today’s topic is on dealing with our individual
energy levels and moods across each phase of a trip.

Over the course of all the trips we have taken together, one thing is clear – there are certain parts of planning/going on a trip that I love and hate, and those are at times (read: most of the time) opposite of the parts that Damian loves and hates. In some ways this is perfect, as I love the planning and booking phases and Damian hates them, so I’m happy to take those on – doing the researching, finding the little known gems, making reservations, organizing our details into spreadsheets, etc. etc. But, many times being at different energy levels and moods is something we have to proactively manage with each other.

Because we are geeks of the highest degree, I made the below graph that charts out each of our energy levels and moods during each phase of a trip. The good news? We start and end at the same levels – high energy and in a good mood. We both are super excited when we decide to travel and have all the possibilities in front of us. We are also both super excited once we get into about day 4 of a trip – we’ve found our groove, our sleep patterns have leveled out and we’re ready to conquer a new place. But in between? That’s where the real work of couple-dom happens for us.

Planning the trip

Jyoti: Super high energy, super good mood
Damian: High energy, good mood
This phase is relatively easy. We both are excited and in good moods and enjoy spending our free time talking about where to go, browsing Wiki Travel, checking out travel guides from our local library and imagining our upcoming fabulous trip. Where we diverge a little bit is putting pen to paper – actually picking out potential dates, narrowing down locations, doing research on flight costs, etc. I dig that stuff as I love being in the details and finding secret places or bargains online and Damian’s energy gets sapped super quickly if he has to navigate those things.

So what do we do? During the planning phase of a trip we usually chat a few times about what we want to do and where we want to go and then I’ll do some research on my own. I’ll narrow down the list to a couple places and options and write up a bulleted email that lays out the places, pros and cons and ballpark pricing for travel and lodging. I realize how dorky this sounds but it is relatively quick and painless for me and really helps to organize our thoughts and discussions. Then we chat about it and make a pretty quick decision!

Booking the trip

Jyoti: High energy, good mood
Damian: Very low energy, not a very good mood at all
So here is a big diverging point for us. I remember about a month ago when we spent an entire Saturday booking the first three weeks of our Brasil trip. It was 10 hours straight of booking hotels, AirBnBs, flights and activities; while it was exhausting I also found it exciting to finally have our trip coming together (and again, putting it all in spreadsheets!). Damian, one of the most easy-going people I know, ended the day crabby and needing a couple days before he could talk about the trip again.

So what do we do? 98% of the time I do all the bookings for our trips. I’ll try to book refundable options and once everything has been set I’ll run it by Damian, who, because of his easy-going-ness is usually good with whatever I booked. The Brasil trip unfortunately was one where I couldn’t do this because so much of the business is conducted in Portuguese, so in that case we just picked one day and banged it all out. Hopefully that never has to happen again though.

Packing for the trip

Jyoti: High energy, pretty good mood
Damian: Neutral
This part isn’t really an issue for us either. The biggest thing we differ on is how much we want to bring – Damian prefers to be super duper minimal (aka backpack-only) and I prefer to pack comfortably (aka using a rolling suitcase).

So what do we do? We each kind of just do our own thing here. I’ll peruse a bunch of different packing lists (my own that has been culled over the years, my mom’s, those found in blogs online, etc.) and make a list for the specific trip we are taking. I’ll collect items during the week or so before the trip and then we’ll pack together the day or two before the trip. While we are packing there’s usually bunches of stuff on my list that Damian doesn’t want to pack for himself and then a few extra things he likes to have. Pretty easy peasy stuff.

Traveling

Jyoti: Very low energy, not a very good mood at all
Damian: Neutral
Here are where things head south for me. I hate the actual travel part of traveling. Like hate it. It’s ironic how so many people who love travel don’t enjoy the actual traveling part of it (I loved Alex in Wanderland’s post about it). I don’t like it mostly because I get motion sick and have a sensitive gag reflex and so really struggle in smelly public restrooms, when neighboring passengers have bad breath, if a baby has a dirty diaper, etc. etc.

So what do we do? In short, we do whatever it takes to survive. I wear the pressure-point wristbands religiously and can get by with that on flights less than two hours. Anything longer than that I take Dramamine – non-drowsy if it’s a daytime flight and full drowsy if it’s a nighttime flight. And regardless of plane, train or automobile I try to sleep most of the way. Damian does his own thing, reading or watching movies, mostly just knowing to stay out of my way and be as overtly and extra nice and helpful as possible 🙂

Days 1-3 of a trip

Jyoti: Low energy, not in a good mood
Damian: High energy, good mood
This, I think, is actually the hardest one for us, and the one we are still working on (and likely will be forever!). When we arrive at a new place Damian is ready to go, go, go! He is so excited and just wants to get out there and see new places and experience new things as quickly as he can. I, on the other hand, am more like “ok, after all that travel I need to order room service, lie in this hotel bed and recuperate for 1-3 days (length dependent on how difficult the travel journey was and how many time zones we crossed)“. We struggle because I can get frustrated with Damian, feeling like he doesn’t get it, and Damian can get antsy and anxious because he feels like we are wasting time.

So what do we do? To be honest, we don’t yet have a perfect solution. What we did when we got to Iguazu Falls was definitely a step in the right direction. Essentially, we each did a little for each other and then we did our own thing. We arrived in the afternoon and we rested for a few hours for me and then did a ~90 minute boat ride excursion in the early evening for Damian. We both enjoyed both activities and neither felt like we weren’t getting to do what we wanted/needed. Then on Day 2 I slept in quite late and Damian went out on his own in the morning – exploring, working out, reading, etc. I rallied in the afternoon for activities on Day 2 and by Day 3 I was ready to go full force. These days and situations are going to be different each time we travel so the biggest thing will be being honest with ourselves about what we need and then having open and honest communication with each other about what to do, both together and as individuals. I guess travel does really resemble life, eh?

Are you a couple traveling together? How do you manage when your energy levels and moods are so different from one another? Let us know!